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KRAD's Inaccurate Guide to Life
ramblings from a mad fedora'd writer
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Sisko and Yates may or may not get married, Dukat and Winn become a couple, Dax and Worf don't become a couple, and the war takes a turn for the worse. Oh, and Damar is still drinking. The DS9 Rewatch will stay together "'Til Death Do Us Part."

An excerpt:
Either way, the end result elevates Dukat as a villain—he plays Winn like a two-dollar banjo—at the expense of Winn’s status both as a villain and as a character—she is played like a two-dollar banjo. And having them fall in bed together just feels so utterly artificial, not helped by the fact that there’s no kind of sexual chemistry between Marc Alaimo and Louise Fletcher. Mind you, their scenes together are quite good, elevating the mediocre script they’re forced to read from, but until they actually kiss, there’s no feeling of romance or lust here at all. Frank Langella managed more sparkage in two lines of dialogue with Fletcher back in “The Circle” than Alaimo manages in the sum of his three scenes with her.

Current Mood: geeky geeky
Current Music: "Late in the Evening" by Paul Simon

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I've got stories in two anthologies coming this spring from IDW Publishing and edited by Jonathan Maberry, which are now available for preorder.

vwars3


One is the third in Jonathan's shared-world anthology series V-Wars. I had a story in the first one, and also in the forthcoming third one, Night Terrors, which is now available for preorder from Amazon in hardcover. My story is called "Streets of Fire," and features Mia Fitzsimmons, the Daily News reporter from "The Ballad of Big Charlie" (my story in the first anthology), as she's embedded with the NYPD's new Vampire Crimes Unit.

Besides me and Jonathan, Night Terrors has stories by Larry Correia, John Everson, James A. Moore, Scott Nicholson, Weston Ochse, Marcus A. Pelegrimas, Jeremy Robinson, Hank Schwaeble, and Scott Sigler.

trustno1cover


The other anthology is a new X-Files anthology, the first of three, entitled Trust No One, the trade paperback for which can also be preordered from Amazon. This anthology is approved by the show's creator Chris Carter, and includes my second-season story "Back in El Paso My Life Would Be Worthless," in which Special Agent Jack Colt is very unhappy that one of his serial killer cases is being reopened when more people are killed even though the perp is in jail. He's even less happy when Assistant Director Skinner sends Agents Mulder and Scully to assist him......

The other X-files being opened will be presented by Kevin J. Anderson, Max Allan Collins, Peter Clines, Paul Crilley, Tim Deal, W.D. Gagliani & David Benton, Ray Garton, Brian Keene, Gini Koch, Tim Lebbon, Gayle Lynds & John C. Sheldon, Stefan Petrucha, Heather Graham Pozzessere, and Aaron Rosenberg.

Current Mood: pleased pleased
Current Music: "In Old Mexico" by Tom Lehrer

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It's always nice when they get what you're going for. From J.L. Gribble's Amazon review of Stargate SG-1/Atlantis: Far Horizons</i>:
And finally, mad props go to Keith R. A. DeCandido's "Time Keeps on Slippin'" for being both an entertaining tale and finally giving a plausible backstory to what otherwise was better forgotten as one actor's unfortunate facial hair decision...

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: "I Wanna Go Back to Dixie" by Tom Lehrer

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This just seems appropriate, what with all the snow being dumped on NYC today: from The Jethro Tull Christmas Album, "First Snow on Brooklyn."

Current Mood: content content
Current Music: "First Snow on Brooklyn" by Jethro Tull

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Hey look, it's a new In Review episode of The Chronic Rift!

For the first time in 2015 (and the first time in far too long), we do an in-review episode! We're hoping to get back to the monthly schedule for those this year. In general, we're trying to get the Rift back to being a weekly podcast again. (Similarly, I really need to get Dead Kitchen Radio out of mothballs.....)

inreview20150126


Anyhow, John S. Drew, Michael Falkner, and I get together once again! (Krissy Myers will be back with us next month.) For Bringing it to the Table, I do conventions, Michael does his Doctor Who binge-watch, and John does Marvel's Phase 1 movies. Then we have the reviews, a small collection this time: on "Couch Potato Salad," I do an overview that includes The Librarians, Rizzoli & Isles, Major Crimes, The Big Bang Theory, and Gotham, while John reviews The Flopcast on "Pod People." Plus the three of us cover the latest geeky news on Pop Tops.

The Chronic Rift is available on iTunes, on the Rift web site, and directly from LibSyn. Please comment on the forums, follow us on Facebook and Twitter, e-mail us at john at chronicrift dot com, or leave a voice message at 888-866-9010.

Current Mood: pleased pleased
Current Music: "My God" by Ian Anderson w/orchestra

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Cross Cult, who publishes Star Trek fiction in German, has been releasing the Corps of Engineers eBooks. They have released the new cover for the tenth eBook in the series, which I wrote, and which was released in this country as Here There Be Monsters, and it's excellent:

Cross Cult Star Trek Corps of Engineers #10 Achtung Monster

ACHTUNG, MONSTER!

I LOVE IT!

From now on, I want to be identified as "Keith R.A. DeCandido, author of Achtung, Monster!" And every time I'm at a bar at a convention, the toast should be, "achtung, monster!" (Hat tip to Dayton Ward for that one.)

ACHTUNG, MONSTER!

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: "For a Thousand Mothers" by Jethro Tull

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Had a good trip down to Washington, D.C., which included a trip up to central Maryland for a Boogie Knights, and spending time with woofiegrrl on the campus of Gallaudet University and at her and her wife's home in Vienna. It was a good trip, an excellent rehearsal (I get to actually rehearse with the Knights so rarely, as they're in the Baltimore-Washington corridor and I'm very much not), and a fun time.

Now I'm back at home, and Wrenn and I have done our shopping, since apparently all the snow is being dropped on the northeast over the next few days. Reports vary as to when precisely this particular snowmageddon (or snowpocalypse, if you prefer that neologism) will start and how much snow it will dump, depending on which weather service you look at. With a nor'easter this big, nobody knows nothin', and you just gotta hope for the best....

Anyhow, I've got a Stargate SG-1 novel to write. I'm still in the get-everything-in-my-head stage, so I've started Chapter 1, but haven't gotten very far as the outline says they're on a planet, but now I have to figure out what that planet is like, exactly. Wheeee!

Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: "Remembering Alice" by Arlo Guthrie

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The closing arc begins! We get a marriage proposal, a daring rescue, a crash-landing, a dire warning, and the beginnings of the Cardassian resistance. The DS9 Rewatch does "Penumbra."

An excerpt:
Several balls are tossed in the air to be juggled, adding on to the ones we’ve already got. We pick up on the peculiarity of Sisko’s parentage, as revealed in “Image in the Sand” and “Shadows and Symbols,” including a really bizarre conversation where Yates assures Sisko that she’s totally okay with the Prophets kidnapping a woman against her will and forcing her into a relationship and pregnancy. (Seriously, did it occur to no one that Sisko’s birth as described made him the product of a rape?) Then the Prophets themselves, instead of communicating the way they always have, instead appear only as Sarah, with her referring to him as her son and calling him “Benjamin,” thus continuing latter-era DS9’s boring-ification (I just made that word up) of the wormhole aliens. Screwing with his marriage plans is probably the latest attempt at a penance for Sisko strong-arming them into wiping out the Jem’Hadar fleet in “Sacrifice of Angels,” since their attempt to get him to sacrifice his son’s life failed in “The Reckoning.” But still, this whole plot is just a disaster, oversimplifying a complex alien species to create artificial drama.

Current Mood: disappointed disappointed
Current Music: "Further to Fly" by Paul Simon

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With Arisia 2015 in the books, I though it would be good to look ahead to other cons I'm doing in 2015:

13-15 February: Farpoint 22, Timonium, Maryland. I'll be there as both an author and musical guest, the latter with the Boogie Knights, who will do their usual Saturday morning concert.

27 February - 1 March: GalaxyFest 2015, Colorado Springs. I'll be the Author Guest of Honor at this Rocky Mountain convention, my first con in Colorado!

24-26 April: Treklanta 2015, Atlanta, Georgia. For the third year in a row I'll be a guest at this wonderful little media con down Georgia way.

22-25 May: Balticon 49, Hunt Valley, Maryland. I'll be an author guest at this show, which will include the official launch of my short story collection from Dark Quest, Without a License: The Fantastic Worlds of Keith R.A. DeCandido.

7-9 August: Shore Leave 37, Hunt Valley, Maryland. As ever, I'll be both an author and music guest at this media con. Look for an entertaining Friday night performance by some of the authors......

14-16 August: MALCon 2015, Denver, Colorado. My second Colorado con will be the Myths And Legends con in August, at which I'll also be a guest of honor.

4-7 September: Dragon Con 2015, Atlanta, Georgia. Like I'd miss Dragon Con. Besides, I'm already on the guest list............

I also might be attending (Re)Generation Who in Hunt Valley, Maryland in March. Will let you know......

I regret to say that I will not be attending LI-Con 2 in August as it conflicts with MALCon, but I urge all and sundry in the NYC area to attend, as it's a nifty little show that I'd totally be at if MALCon hadn't invited me.

Others may be added to this list as the year progresses. Hope to see folks at one or more of these!

Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: "Down by the Sally Gardens" by Clannad

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Are you a member/attendee of the recent or upcoming World Science Fiction Convention and are therefore eligible to nominate stuff for the Hugo Award? Are you a member of the Science-fiction & Fantasy Writers of America and are therefore eligible to nominate stuff for the Nebula Award?

If the answer to either question is "yes," then be aware that I have several works eligible:

Novel:
Sleepy Hollow: Children of the Revolution (Broadway Books/Random House)

Novelette:
“Fish Out of Water,” in Out of Tune, edited by Jonathan Maberry (JournalStone)
“Time Keeps on Slippin’,” in Stargate SG-1/Atlantis: Far Horizons, edited by Sally Malcolm (Fandemonium Books)

Short Story:
“Stone Cold Whodunit,” in With Great Power, edited by John L. French & Greg Schauer (Dark Quest Books)

Related Work:
Star Trek: The Klingon Art of War (Gallery Books/Simon & Schuster)
the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Rewatch (Tor.com)

Again, if you answered "yes" to either question and would like a copy of any of the above from me, e-mail me at krad at whysper dot net, and we'll arrange something. :)

And we thank you for your support......................

Current Mood: grateful grateful
Current Music: "Groom Still Waiting at the Altar" by Bob Dylan

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Haven't posted pet photos here in a while, soooooo.....

Here's Scooter in the middle of the living room on the day of our Twelfth Night party (before anybody had shown up):
IMAG4647


Kaylee, Louie, and Colin Bear asleep on the bed:
IMAG4676


Scooter enjoying a walk:
IMAG4685


Louie: I'm under the blanket so you can't seeeeeee meeeeee!
Kaylee: WTF?????
IMAG4725

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: "Still Loving You Tonight" by Jethro Tull

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I was one of the guests at the first Big Damned Flanvention in December 2005. There was only the one (a second was planned and fell apart at the last minute in 2006, though many of the actors showed up at the hotel to hang out with folks who'd arrived to find no convention). The guest list included the entire main cast of Firefly/Serenity except for Gina Torres (who was in Australia filming something), as well as Whedonverse guests Camden Toy (Buffy and Angel), Dennis Christopher (Angel), Jason Carter (Angel), Yan & Raf Feldman (Serenity), and Christina Hendricks (Firefly). At opening ceremonies, we all came out to be introduced, with the exception of Nathan and Christina, who didn't arrive until Saturday morning. (We also got a surprise appearance by Joss Whedon his own self on Sunday afternoon.)

Anyhow, here's the group shot from opening ceremonies. Top row, l.-r.: Christopher, Carter, me, Toy, and the Feldmans. Bottom row, l.-r.: Ron Glass, Jewel Staite, Summer Glau, Morena Baccarin, Sean Maher, Alan Tudyk, and Adam Baldwin.

4e89

Current Mood: nostalgic nostalgic
Current Music: "Dharma for One" by Jethro Tull

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I have finished and turned in a short story. I'd rather not say what it is just yet, except that it's for an anthology, and the anthology editors are pitching it to a major publisher, and they needed at least some of the stories to be complete to show the publisher, particularly those from the bigger names in the antho -- which includes me, apparently.

So that's done. Tomorrow, I start my SG-1 novel Kali's Wrath. My due date was pushed to 1 March, so I'm shooting to do 2000 words a day to get it done.

Now, though, to bed....

Current Mood: accomplished accomplished
Current Music: "Jeffrey Goes to Leicester Square" by Jethro Tull

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This is gonna go to my head. The reviews of Sleepy Hollow: Children of the Revolution have been effusive, and here's the latest from the delightfully named web site "The Moon is a Dead World."

Money quote:
Children of the Revolution is even able to pull in Jenny and Captain Irving, two minor characters in the first season who work with Abbie and Crane to stop Serilda’s reign. In the final scene, the witches force Crane, Irving, Jenny, and Abbie to see a version of their own heart’s dreams, with everything that they wish would have happened had they not become Witnesses trying to stop Moloch. It’s a great sequence, giving each of these characters added depth because these are things they hope but will never get the chance to experience; DeCandido does the best with Irving, who finds himself in a world where he’s still married and his daughter can still walk. A cruel vision for each of them, no doubt, but one that personally characterizes them in ways we don’t get to see much in the show.

Current Mood: pleased pleased
Current Music: "Cross-Eyed Mary" by Jethro Tull

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Section 31 is back, and they've embroiled Bashir in some serious intrigue on Romulus. Lots of twists and turns as the DS9 Rewatch does the show's most pretentious title, "Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges."

An excerpt:
Plus, honestly, there are few things in this world less interesting than the all-powerful bad guy. The laziest writing tool in the book is the unstoppable foe, in which the foe always manages to avoid detection, always manages to plan three steps ahead, always manages to do something impossible to get away in the end. In this episode alone, Sloan manages to sneak onto and off a military base in the middle of a war twice, get himself assigned to a sensitive mission, corrupt a Starfleet admiral, fake his own death, and get away from the most secure location in the Romulan Empire. We’re given no explanation for how Sloan does any of this—the death-faking is the only thing that even gets a token attempt, and it’s pretty much the same trick the mercenaries pulled in “Gambit, Part I”—we’re just supposed to believe that 31 has infinite resources, ones that they inexplicably don’t share with anyone else. (Having said that, the ruse helps keep 31’s secret via Keyser Soze’s dictum that the best trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe he doesn’t exist.)

Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: "Beltane" by Jethro Tull

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We're back from a most excellent Arisia 2015. I've been going to this Boston-based convention on and off since the early 1990s, and I've never had a bad time there. This weekend was no different. As with last year, we defrayed hotel costs by staying with our friends Cat and Jack, who live a mere 15 minutes away by vehicle, and they were magnificent hosts. We had the privilege of being their first house-guests in their shiny new house (which is a magnificent place), and one of the highlights was being fed Cat's excellent pancakes on Saturday morning.

The convention itself went superbly well for me. On Friday, the "Supernatural Detective" panel had a wide variety of opinions on how you can mix your spec-fic peanut butter with mystery chocolate. The panels on Person of Interest and Sleepy Hollow covered a wide range of topics and provided great insights into how both those shows work (and in some cases don't). Despite being Sunday at 8.30am (whimper), my practical self-defense workshop went swimmingly, and the panel on writing a fight scene was most excellent. The latter was especially fun because there were a variety of perspectives: two martial artists, one ex-Navy/ex-EMT, and three stage combat veterans, and several people came up to us afterward and were grateful for how useful our advice was.

Plus, of course, there was the Eye of Argon reading, which had many of the usual suspects: myself, Daniel A. Kimmel, Walter Hunt, Ian Randal Strock, and Hildy Silverman, which included us acting out the manuscript to hilarious effect. We had a packed house once again for that one....

The con ended for me Monday at 1 when I, along with Morgan Crooks and Ken Schneyer, did a reading. I went first, reading "Seven-Mile Race," the Cassie Zukav story that will be appearing in Without a License: The Fantastic Worlds of Keith R.A. DeCandido this spring, which was a huge hit (and led to a sale of the Cassie collection Ragnarok and Roll to one of the audience).

We didn't actually leave Boston until 6.30, as Wrenn was working for treasury this year, and she had to spend several hours collecting cash and scanning receipts before we could depart. But we eventually made it home, I did the DS9 rewatch that'll go up today for "Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges," and then we slept the sleep of the happily exhausted.

Today I have a short story to finish, because deadlines don't care that I'm exhausted. Deadlines also didn't care that I was at a convention, as I discovered just before leaving for Arisia that I needed to make some revisions on the movie novelization I did back in October, so big chunks of Saturday and Sunday were spent doing that. Because of that, I couldn't work on the short story, and that has to be in tomorrow. Wheeeeeee!

Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: "At the Zoo" by Simon & Garfunkel

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It's Sisko's Eleven! The gang dresses to the (deep space) nines in order to meaninglessly save Vic Fontaine! The DS9 Rewatch says, "Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang."

An excerpt:
I had absolutely no interest in this episode when it first aired, viewing it as a waste of an hour, especially with only about a dozen hours of the show left and a war still going on. At the time, I hadn’t yet seen Ocean’s 11 (the Steven Soderbergh remake was still two years in the future, and I didn’t see the original until after the 2001 version—by the way, the 1960 original is a really really terrible movie...), and wasn’t as big a fan of caper stories as I am now. Plus, I honestly felt that Sisko should’ve stuck to his guns—there’s nothing particularly wonderful about 1962 Vegas if you’re not a middle-class-or-higher white person. It’s not just the racism that Sisko decries, but the classism, as well, not to mention the criminality (guys like Zeemo and Frankie were the norm at the time).

Now, though—well, I still think this is a waste of an hour, especially since we’ve already had the use-the-holosuite-to-distract-us-from-the-horrors-of-war story in “Take Me Out to the Holosuite.” In fact, you could argue that we’ve had it twice, if you throw “It’s Only a Paper Moon” in there.

But it’s a fun waste of an hour, dagnabbit.

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: "Spider Web" by Joan Osborne

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After I teach my karate class today, we're off to Arisia 2015. We're staying with our dear friends Cat and Jack in order to save on hotel bills (basically, it was either stay with them or I didn't go), and a good time should be had by all. My schedule is here, and I'll be wandering around with assorted books to sell.

See folks there!

Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: "The Sound of Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel

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Odo finds another changeling who isn't a Founder, but he turns out to be a big ol' douchenozzle. He's also played by J.G. Hertzler in a soft voice. The DS9 Rewatch does "Chimera."

An excerpt:
It’s also a nice return to the fundamental issue of Odo as other. Since the mystery of where Odo came from was solved at the top of the third season, that element of the plotline has been inextricably tied with the simultaneous revelation that his people run the Dominion. The actual exploration of what it means to be a changeling amidst solids wasn’t really dealt with up until this point without the spectre of the Dominion warping and distorting it.

Current Mood: geeky geeky
Current Music: the SleepyCast podcast

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The wonderful Candace Broxton has asked me a bunch of question for the "Ten Minute Interviews" site, in which I talk about various and sundry things. Do check it out!

Money quote:
What does your writing environment look like?

Whatever I want. I can pretty much write anywhere, and have. As an example, my 2006 StarCraft novel Nova was written in the following locales: my apartment (both at my computer desk and in the living room on my laptop), at a pub in Dublin, Ireland, in a hotel room in Glasgow, Scotland, in a friend’s house in County Wicklow, Ireland, in the Starbucks up the street from my apartment, in a hotel room in Atlanta, and in planes and trains that took me back and forth among those various locations. These days, most of my writing is done at my computer desk at home, where I’m surrounded by action figures, stuffed animals, a baseball bat, and a sword, but I often work other places as well.

Current Mood: pleased pleased
Current Music: "Bach's Partita #2 in D Minor" by Joshua Bell & the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields

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Yesterday I posted about Kagami Biraki (among other things), the annual new year's workout in many a martial arts dojo that studies a Japanese style.

Kyoshi Jennifer Fremon, who co-runs another dojo in the same discipline I study (and who is a dear friend as well), wrote an excellent post about Kagami Biraki for her blog. Do check it out!

Money quote:
I am not Japanese. But if were to draw my own meaning from the phrase "opening the mirror", it would be this: When you open a mirror, you see yourself. You see who you are. The practice of Kagami Biraki; the hard training, the sweat on the floor, the never quitting, the family that is created when we all train together; this is who I am. This year, in 2015, I hope to make that reflection someone I am proud to look upon.

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful
Current Music: "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Paul Simon

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I'm totally exhausted and totally happy at the same time.

This weekend was a great reminder of everything that's good in my life. We threw our annual Twelfth Night party, which we've been throwing on the first or second Saturday of January every year since January 2012. This year we set a record with 33 people (though not all at the same time), who were spread throughout the apartment. At its highest density, there were people sitting around the living room telling stories, people standing around the dining room nibbling on food, a couple of people sitting in the bedroom (the quietest room, and where the cats were mostly holding court on the bed amidst the coats), and people in the library chatting and playing Cards Against Humanity. We also had an impressive age range, from under 25 to over 50, and people from all over our lives: fellow authors, folks we've met at cons, folks we've met through friends, neighbors, fellow karateka, and so on. It was especially fun to put together friends who met for the first time at our party.

We had a ton of food, as is our wont: cold cuts and Italian bread from Little Italy, a ton of cheese from both Little Italy and the local supermarket, assorted chips, Wrenn's "dirty corn," Wrenn's meatballs in my tomato sauce, Wrenn's deviled eggs, fresh pasta made that morning in Little Italy with one's choice of my tomato sauce or Wrenn's cheese sauce, and finally cookies, brownies, chocolate cake, fresh berries, and Wrenn's Chambord whipped cream. Drinks included red and white wine (in copious amounts), Scotch, rum, vodka, Prosecco, beer, iced tea, water, various sodas, and later coffee and tea.

The official start to the party was 3pm, but three guests arrived early at 2.30 (not to mention a fourth who was here from Friday night to this evening), and the last people who weren't staying the night left around midnight. It was a glorious night -- such a joy to have so many of my favorite people together in our home sharing food and drink and joy.

Best of all, the apartment is the cleanest it's been in months. :)

Then this morning I had to wake up early to go to our annual new year's workout at the dojo, Kagami Biraki

futoufukutsu


This year, after an hour of serious working out (hundreds and hundreds of punches and kicks, plus 100 pushups over the course of the 60 minutes), Shihan said that he wants the theme of this year to be the Japanese phrase pictured above: "fu tou fu kutsu," which Shihan translated as "true grit," and which translates literally to "do not bend, do not break," and which can totally also be translated to "never give up, never surrender."

So yeah, our dojo's theme this year is Galaxy Quest (no, not really....).

Our dojo used to be part of a larger association, until we split off from it in 2013. Before the split, we often hosted Kagami Biraki at our dojo for the (then) four New York City branches. The attendance we had this year, with just folks from our dojo, was higher than it often was when we had four dojos represented. That was very gratifying, especially seeing three white belts and almost a dozen kids showing up. Our dojo keeps getting stronger, and I've been really proud to be a part of it.

What's especially nice is that this year I'm expanding my teaching duties. I've added another afterschool class to my repertoire, so now I'm teaching two kids classes on Wednesdays (at a local school), one kids class on Thursdays (at a facility that hosts assorted afterschool activities), not to mention my usual Friday night gig at our dojo teaching a kids fighting class. Gotta remember to keep training amidst all this.....

This weekend was a great reminder of what's good in my life, which is a helluva lot. I have many many many friends who love me, I have a dojo full of wonderful people who are a constant source of strength and encouragement, I have a magnificent household with a great fiancée and a superb roommate with whom I have thrown some truly fine parties, and I'm continuing to make something resembling a living doing something I love wholeheartedly.

Let's hope this sets the tone for a great 2015......

Current Mood: happy happy
Current Music: "The Obvious Child" by Paul Simon

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Today was the annual Twelfth Night party that Wrenn, Dale, and I host. About 30 people came to our apartment that's big by New York standards, but still barely adequate to allow 30 people to hang out comfortably. We either need a bigger place or fewer friends....

The party was, as ever, full of hilarious quotes that are even hilariouser (I just made that word up) when taken out of context. So I present them, context-free, to you now.........

"I’ve never been spanked by a disembodied pony tail before..."

"Hi, you’re pooping, let me help!"

"I once fought a hooker for a hundred dollar bill."

"It’s fine as long as you’re not something a bunny eats.:

"They are mature and wonderful people. I’m not. But I’m self-aware!:

"It’s like you’re picking him out of a line-up."

"I heard him mentioning something about his penis going into his abdomen, and I don’t want to know the specifics..."

"I have almost been married as long as you’ve been born. ...alive. That was a sentence in my head."

"You have to remember the litany: I didn’t do it. I was in Cleveland at the time. She said she was eighteen. I thought it was only a cold sore."

"That looks like little bunny foo-foo committed suicide."

"I would have given you the finger, but my hands were full."

"They’re both in there, which one do you need? Your Meredith?"

"I was hoping you would incriminate yourself."

“We need to do a test. Open your legs.”

“I’ve only met you for forty minutes, I probably shouldn’t say something rude about your genitalia.”

"Coffee and Esther Williams. I like to have both at once."

"A two foot rubber cock you were able to beat people with."

"I would have settled for a celibate monkey."

"If I could kill you live in front of an audience, I would."

"Excuse me, are there any pedants in the room?"

"Invite all the neighbors. We’ll get drunk and hang out."

“I’ll just go home and suck your book.”

"There are just knives everywhere."

"The Fickle Finger of Fate is Going to Fuck with the Characters You Like."

“It’s always good to have a backup dong”

"You don’t often hear of a domestic house cat taking down a steer."

"Martha, fire up the barbecue, Fluffy took out another one!"

"Sorry, I miscounted the number of legs I could see."

"I wasted mouth herpes on you."

"See, that's how you get smegma in your kung pao chicken."

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel

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This song came on my iPod when I was listening to it on shuffle yesterday and it got me all happy and head-boppy. Here's a video of it that has bonus Tiny Toon Adventures!

Current Mood: silly silly
Current Music: "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" by They Might Be Giants

who is this guy?
Keith R.A. DeCandido
User: kradical
Name: Keith R.A. DeCandido
Website: DeCandido.net
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