Keith R.A. DeCandido (kradical) wrote,
Keith R.A. DeCandido

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a rare bit of soul-baring

This is a public blog, and for that reason, I rarely get excessively personal. This post breaks that rule, because I need to say something publicly. I've disabled comments because this is not a cry for help nor am I looking for hugs or sympathy or anything like that. I just need to say this stuff "out loud."

I like to think of myself as a strong person. And in some ways, I am. I've spent ten years as a full-time freelancer. In a mere three-and-a-half years I've gone from overweight lump who never exercised a day in his life to a brown belt in karate.

But in other ways, I am very very weak. And, ironically, one of the ways I'm weak is an inability to admit that I am. Most people don't know it, but I have my own demons and weaknesses, made worse by my chronic inability to admit that they're there, or thinking that I can just will them away like they're nothing. I've managed to fool myself by being able to either fix things or accomplish things in my life in the past by sheer force of will, but my will has its limits.

I have been making efforts to combat these demons of late, though the effort hasn't been all it should be, in part because of my stubbornness and stupidity, in part because other things have consumed my brain. Ghostwriting Project #1 in particular has been a nightmare, and has also been a handy excuse to put things off. ("I'll call the psychiatrist after I finish GWP1." "I'll clean the apartment after I finish GWP1." "I'll make up the invite list for the wedding after I finish GWP1." And so on. That is, BTW, one of the demons, a toxic procrastination....)

But I also really don't like the person who succumbs to those demons very much, and I want him to go away.

I'm working on it. I have a benefit in terri_osborne who, for reasons passing understanding, loves me, and whom I love with all my heart and soul. Thank you, my love, for everything, and I am trying to be worthy of your love. Maybe some day I'll even manage it.

I also have wonderful family and friends who I know are there for me; even if they're not necessarily doing anything, just by being there, they're helping.

Thanks for listening.

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