Keith R.A. DeCandido (kradical) wrote,
Keith R.A. DeCandido

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a rare personal post

I have several problems. I'm not going to go into all of them here, save two: I have a chronic inability to admit that I have problems, and on those rare occasions when I do admit it, I refuse to do anything about it.

For smaller things, I've been able to manage with will power. For example, I've convinced myself to go to fighting class, even though I hate it. I managed to stop a two-decade-old fingernail-biting habit at the age of 28 (though it took infecting three fingers in the course of two weeks to get me to). I hate going to any kind of medical professional, because I keep thinking that if I ignore it, it will go away despite the millennia of evidence in the form of human history that pretty well puts the kibosh on that notion. In general, with the exception of the two examples I gave at the beginning of the paragraph, my history of avoidance has been a colossal failure. (Like the time my cholesterol went down after taking Crestor and I decided that I could keep it down through willpower. Anybody who's seen me eat is probably laughing hysterically at this point....)

I've taken two separate stabs at therapy, but it was really just lip-service. I wasn't really willing to go the whole nine yards with it, I was just doing it to say I was doing it.

That stops now. I need to work on fixing the things that are wrong with me, and I need to actually, y'know, do it, not just say I'm going to do it and then go about my life like I always do. That's, frankly, pathetic.

I have an appointment on Wednesday at 2pm with the psychiatrist whom I started seeing in November and then stopped by the time 2008 rolled around. I'm going to see if I can see him every week. I'm also going to post about it -- not in detail, but that it's happening -- here by way of keeping myself accountable.

I've disabled comments, because I don't need them. This isn't a discussion, it's an announcement.

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