• Mood: thoughtful
• Music: "Little Beggar Man" by Arlo Guthrie

thoughts on a rainy Saturday

The real difference between how I feel right now and how I felt a couple of days ago is that a couple of days ago I had deluded myself into thinking I was fine, that there was nothing wrong with me, and that everything was okay. Yes, I'm really that stupid.

How I feel now is a combination of horrified at myself and what I've done to terri_osborne and an absolute determination to make it right again. This requires me to win back her trust, which will not come quickly or easily, and will involve a lot of work, and a lot of focus on my part. I have an addictive personality, and while it's fine for things like checking e-mail (which is at least partly work-related) and going to karate class (which is health-related), it's not so hot for other things. That's what I need to fix.

And I will fix it. Dammit. I love Terri more than I can describe, and I need to commit to healing myself for both our sakes. The alternative is to lose her forever, and I can't accept that. I won't accept that. That means I have to do the work to help myself and heal myself.